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It’s your job to do the discovery work and you have to prepare yourself that sometimes you’ll make discoveries that mean you have to opt out.

Yeah it’s a pain in the arse, but it’s better than the pain that comes with detracting from yourself or pursuing something past its sell by date.

Now I get it – many people do date because they want to find someone to share a relationship with. If you’re feeling very ‘date or die’, tough as it may be to hear, it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself and get your personal security in order.

Ideally, I’d like to think they were all looking for a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust, and respect…but a lot of people don’t know what a relationship looks like, never mind a healthy one – they just know they want one. So badly in fact, that I hear too many tales of people going into fixing/helping/healing/arguing/crisis management mode when they hardly know their dates. Desperation and insecurity either draw in shady people or filter out decent people as it’s kind of exhausting.

You may feel that you have a lot in common – you might, you might not and you will never know this unless you put in the time and discover.

This whole treating dating like a relationship not only sets you up for major disappointment because you’re going in too seriously, but you end up having an attitude like people should come with a dossier and a certificate giving them a clean bill of relationship health.

Me is a naughty dating site which helps you hook up with other singles looking for no-strings fun! Maybe this is what scares me about some of the stories I hear – I know that dating can be tough, especially if you’re doing it online.I have a mother, friends, family, and of course many readers who are dating.We’re not all in it for the same reasons and as we don’t live in an ideal world, people are 1) not always honest about their reasons or 2) overestimate their interest. Some of you, are meeting someone and thinking ‘Oh please let this be it because I really fancy the arse off them’ and then putting on a blindfold, tying your arms and legs together and diving in. As everyone is not honest about their reasons, you can only discover what someone’s true intentions are by spending time around them with your eyes and ears 100% open and not letting your vagina or penis or your overactive imagination make your judgements for you. Not every person can be ‘it’ – if you’re more eager to be off the market than you are to meet a quality partner, you will project a relationship and just keep trying to slot candidates into the hole in your relationship picture, instead of meeting someone, seeing how it goes, and letting the relationship picture evolve from there. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.If someone said ‘What I’m looking for is someone to have a whirlwind romance with and yet again, fantastise about a relationship I’m never going to be around to have, and then shag you a few times and then whip the rug from under your feet and leave’, they wouldn’t have much luck with dates or they’d only be with the desperate sort. Whether it's figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.

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I mustered the courage to meet only one person from the dating site. It could have gone further, but I would look at him across the table and think, I'm afraid that if I meet someone I really like, I will let the whole story explode out of me before he's seen the better side, which is what I did last time. I would love to feel I could keep my mental illness under wraps until I was comfortable with someone, as if it were a hobby like collecting international Barbie dolls. Having a panic attack in front of someone unprepared is not great for building trust.

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